What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 10:24
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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So whats the point in blame.
I said to her
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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One cannot live in the past .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I have no regrets .
If there exists a “New York of Australia”, is it Sydney or Melbourne?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Can you share a story of someone who had a lucky experience while hitchhiking?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i do to all so called friends.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I waited trembling.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
All the time i was locked up.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
This is soul school!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were not on the streets..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But, we were locked up after school.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It was going to be , some day.
He knew the spot.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Put me off passion for life!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My family never makes their pension either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I never cut or harmed myself..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My life is so biszare .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im still living with it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was very sick at this time too.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i lived it daily.
I write beautiful poetry .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Was to survive, this bastard.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So, i spoilt her more .
She married twice! .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Who then, do I blame.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was scared of men, in general
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was 9 years of age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was seconnd youngest,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When she asked me how she looked .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ive learnt so much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What did i know ?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She loved him until the end.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it wasn’t much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!